The other day while heading home from the dog park with Jack, I stepped off a high curb and heard a peculiar noise. It sounded something like a box full of celery getting run over by an iron wagon wheel. The sound was made by my bones and tendons as my left foot – finding something in the gutter not to its liking – abruptly made an attempt to leave my body by twisting itself off.

You'd think something like that would be really, really painful. Well, you'd be correct.

I felt the proper thing to do would be to roll around on the ground in agony with my foot locked at a 90-degree angle. As I was doing this, running through the gamut of emotional responses, I did my best to be polite and remain conscious. Jack looked at me with a curious expression, as if to say, "Um, are we getting in the car or what?"

My wife Kristin was looking at me, too. I got my foot out of the unnnatural position it was in before she could get a good eyeful of how gruesome it looked. Also, I thought I might lessen the pain if all my parts were where they are supposed to be.

But Kristin was horrified anyway because what she saw was me turning green and rolling around clutching my ankle and chest.

My chest? Medical Digression #1: I have what my doctors' best guess is a hiatal hernia. This means that there's a problem with the muscle tissue diaphragm, which helps keep the top of my stomach closed. This might have been ruptured while overindulging in a Thanksgiving dinner, although I can't be positive.

Sometimes when I cough or move a certain way, the rib muscles around this area will contract improperly, causing a sharp pain that makes people think I'm having a heart attack. Just like that old rascal Fred Sanford did when there were chores to be done. When I grabbed for my ankle, the muscles over my ribs contracted, causing pain in a secondary location and dividing my attention.

Back in my bachelor days, I might have just self-medicated until I felt better. But one of the reasons I got married was to have someone around to suggest a better course of action. Relieved as she was that I wasn't having "the Big One," Kristin suggested we go to the emergency room to see how bad the injury was.

It turned out that none of my precious bones were broken, but while I lay in the ER awaiting the results of my x-rays I had time to reminisce about the history of my ankles.

Medical Digression #2: I've always had weak ankles, which no doubt accounts for my failure to break into professional figure skating or join the Joffrey Ballet. Sometime in my early teen years I slipped while playing volleyball or stepped in a gopher hole – not sure which – and sprained my ankle for the first time. I've had many sprains since, and because one of the earlier sprains didn't heal correctly I became more susceptible to further sprains.

By the time I was in my 20's, I was spraining my right ankle often enough that the tendons stretched and no longer supported the joint properly. It got so bad that I could sprain the ankle at any time, even on a crack in the sidewalk. It made me a bit paranoid – I had sprain on the brain. It got so it was tough for me to even watch people running, even on TV. This was tough for me because televised golf is only good when you have the flu.

Eventually, I had surgery performed to shorten the tendons to support the joint. It left me with a staple in my heel, a big scar, and the fascinating story you've just read.

So even though I know that I'm getting proper medical care and the injury should heal quickly, I try to be cautious with my talocrural joint – or any other synovial hinge joint for that matter. As I told everyone who toasted me at my recent birthday dinner, I'm getting older and can't take my calcaneofibular ligament for granted anymore.

I hope my tale will serve as an example to anyone reading this not to take their ankles for granted. For the sake of your future health, try to avoid any kind of physical exercise whatsoever, especially anything involving running or walking.

Now excuse me. I have to see about getting a copy of Crutch Crutch Revolution for the Nintendo Wii.

Be sure to check back in for the next installment of MyBeef when I'll be acting as if a hangnail requires a double bypass procedure.

So, what's your beef? Ever had a curb-related injury? Feeling betrayed by your body's limitations? Want to rant about it? Sign up, sign in and start posting your stories, pictures, blogs and events on NeighborhoodCircle.com. It’s free!

By: Brian Thomas | Staff Writer At 05/01/2008 - 3:52pm |  |  |